In my opinion, this is probably one of the hardest topics to write, guide and motivate on. Mainly because this affects everyone so differently. You’ll all have your own temperature gauge of healing, and there’s no one right answer that will fit everyone. And anytime you speak of trying to overcome a victim mindset, most of the time the answer is “sure, but that’s easier said than done.”
So, I’m not here to tell you how to become the victor, rather use my story and the inspirations I’ve witnessed from others to show you why it’s worth every ounce of energy to try.
The Victim
So, there I am, in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. They try everything they can, but there’s no option, under the knife I go.
I’ve finally been dealt that uppercut blow. Hitting the mat with such force, the ref has no option to start the count. 1…… 2……. 3……. Next thing I know, I’m awake, just not entirely sure where I am, or what the actual fuck has just happened.
Only in the following days, does it all sink in, and I meet one of my new best friends. The victim. I mean this guy is a massive douche beyond all levels, but he loves me. He must do as he never leaves when I ask him too. So, you’d think he has my best interests at heart, right?
Noooooooo sirey. Due to this guy, I forever found myself asking those common questions, and I bet you know these good old classics:
Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
When is this gunna end?
Why wont you leave me alone?
Of course, I didn’t know all the answers. Taking me to a state of sadness, stress, anger, to name just a few of the emotions. That’s when the victim thought it would also be a nice time to invite his friend’s depression and anxiety around to cheer me up.
Ultimately, I embodied everything and embraced my new role as ‘the victim’. Hell, this was my new identity now.
Ref’s still counting pal
4…… 5……. 6……
Days and weeks have passed since the op. I’m still struggling to adapt to my new body, and still struggling to find those answers and banish my victim mentality. Although, through the count, things were starting to become ever so slightly clearer. I was expecting the world to owe me one. To do the work for me, so I could get back to normal.
It was then I realised If I was ever going to be in control of my life, stopping any external factors dictating my internal ones, I was going to have to owe myself one. I was going to have to do the work. Life is too short and too beautiful to wallow in my own pity party, blaming others for something I can control myself if I wanted. When this realisation hit, oh boy did the victim mindset start to shit itself.
The next step was getting help.
Please, please ask for help!
7…..
Suddenly I’m crawling to the ropes. What am I doing? I’m looking for help. Anything to help me pull myself up. This is one of the most important things people. There is no shame what so ever in asking for help. I tried a whole host of options:
CBT
Talking Therapies
Counselling
Meditation
Headspace app
Unfortunately, these didn’t work for me. That’s not to say they don’t work; they were obviously just not right for me.
8………..
I refuse to let you win!
By this point I’ve already earned my blackbelt, and I feel I’ve gained huge strides in pulling back control over my own thoughts. The victim is starting to pack up his bags, but he wont leave just yet. He’s that one person you know that just won’t get the hint. You know the one, they’ll keep talking to you even though you’ve made it down to the end of their driveway, already turning out of view, and they’re still going for it. Byeeeeeee
All I needed was one final push. And boy did I get it.
9………
I’ve mentioned it before in previous content, but all it took was one comment to shift my mindset and a complete new way of thinking. All of this was happening for me rather than too me. I say I wanted to get back to normal. News flash people, normal doesn’t exist anymore, and that’s ok.
You can play the victim, and at times you’ll need to embrace that in order for you to understand what it is you need to heal from. But ultimately, the only person that can get you out of it, is you. Sure, you’ve gone through hell, been treated like dog turd, been chewed and spat out, but you’re the only person that can decide when enough is enough and start fighting back. The fight is always yours to win.
Me, I’m the captain now!
There it is. Just before the ref is about to count 10, I’m up. I’m back on my feet looking at the victim, with blood, sweat, tears. Also, a powerful smile, because now, it’s my turn to swing, and oh boy have I been waiting for this. Just like that, the victim was running away, and so were all his friends. I’m the captain of this ship now!
I have also been so blessed to see many of my friends overcome their own victim beliefs. That have gone through abusive relationships. Gone through the loss of loved ones. Been treated like dirt in their jobs. Been the subject of unwarranted bullying. This is never an easy process. As I said, it truly is easier said than done. But what they did was embraced it. Took the time to understand, grieve, sit with it, and decided to use this as motivation to not live in that space anymore. They went and owned it, and became fucking bad asses in their own right, and I truly love and respect them for that. It inspires me to keep up that fight too, as sometimes you’ll continue to need a little help from time to time. It’s probably why the universe bought us together in the first place. Like attracts like.
My Nugget
Unfortunately, life doesn’t owe you anything, and if it’s being cruel, it’s probably because it’s trying to teach you something monumentally valuable that it will change your life.
Like I said, I wasn’t going to sit here and tell you word for word, how to rid yourself of that victim mindset. I just want use my story and that of others to show you it doesn’t have to stay like that if you don’t want it to, but you have to be the one to decide when enough is enough and take action.
When you do, please don’t be afraid to ask for help and feel like you need to do it alone. Speak to someone, anyone. A therapist, counsellor, coach, friend, family members. Often having these small chats can be the kickstart to finding the answers you need to send your victim self-packing.
Now, I’m not going to sit here and say my victim mindset hasn’t reared its ugly head again, as it does from time to time. When it does happen however, I know I’ve built the resilience to know my turn to fight back is coming again. Funny part is, I’m used to those uppercut blows now. I’m just refusing to stay down.
The question is, what are you gunna do? Are you gunna stay down or beat the count?